So, here it is. The top 10 moms in my life, David Letterman-style.
Number 10: Amy Chua, aka the Tiger Mom. Yes, a TRULY controversial choice, but an honest one. And what I admire about Mrs. Chua is that she has the courage, tenacity and sticktoitiveness to parent her children with conviction. Agree with her or disagree with her, you cannot fault her commitment and resolve. Her parenting is absolutely a force, and she does not waver in her conviction regardless of the pressure of society, friends, family or even logic. She also clearly, passionately loves her children and stops at nothing to shape them into the people she envisions them as adults. I read her book expecting to hate her and think she was crazy and evil and potentially abusive and I finished it having great respect for her. While I do not subscribe to many of her parenting techniques and certainly not to her methods, I respect her wholeheartedly and hope that as I grow in my role as a mother I have the fortitude to stick by what I believe is right, no matter what. And I also have to thank her for making me feel better about my crazy, occasionally ranty, lecture-style of parenting. Because on my worst day, I am an absolute lamb in comparison.
Number 9: Erma Bombeck. I remember reading her reflections, satire and poetry in newspaper articles and in dog-eared copies of Reader's Digest as a kid and laughing well before I had any idea what it would mean to be a mom. But her words and advice have stuck with me. And so I'm sharing a favorite here:
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather rambling about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television, and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick, instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realising that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's" and more "I'm sorry's"
. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute . . . look at it and really see it . . . and never give it back."
Number 8: My friend Kelley (KBS), who came to motherhood almost 5 years after I did. Kelley knows that she saved me from myself during the darkest point of my "post-partum-adjustment" to my second child. Until she had a child of her own I don't think she had any idea that coming over with homemade salad dressing and sitting in silence watching Dancing With the Stars was an act of kindness that I will forever be working to repay. Kelley inspires me because she actively, consciously thinks about how she parents her children day in and day out. She parents with kindness and humor, and she has the grace to allow herself to make mistakes and not have it hollow her out completely. I haven't had the privilege of seeing Kelley as a mom to two children, but I know that when I do, I will leave her company moved and trying harder to be a good mom and a good person. Because that's just the kind of person She is.
Number 7: My Hong Kong Network of friends. I can't specifically call out any one of my girlfriends here, not because they aren't all amazing moms and people, but because they've all impacted me in different but important ways. Parenting as an ex-pat is a crazy thing, and parenting in Hong Kong is another animal altogether. Navigating the pitfalls of overindulgence, overscheduling, Tiger-Momming, coddling, succumbing to the weird competitive nature of high-stakes parenting, and just making my way here has been possible only because I have made really great friends. I thank my friends from different cultures who have made me consider that my way not only isn't the only way but probably isn't the right way. I thank my academic friends for passing on studies and research and parenting books and theories that I would never have discovered on my own. I thank my sporty friends for playing with me and encouraging me to make time for me, knowing that for me a work-out is like an antidepressant. I thank my chatty friends for making me laugh and laughing along with me. And most of all I thank my friends that fall into all of these categories. You make life here even better, and you all make me a better mom.
Number Six: The GKMs (Good Karma Mamas). My network of "imaginary" friends that circled the wagons and found a way to boost each other up through many years of difficult times for one and for all. Though I am not as involved or as present as I once was...I hope you all know that I credit you with keeping me afloat once upon a time and I am certain that I would not have made it through to today without your friendships. So, shout-out to MMC, JTE, BHC, GKE, SFC, BGH, MTM, and SBN. In no specific order. Thanks for accepting me as is.
Number Five: Bossy Becky. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I won the Mother-in-Law lottery. I don't think it's a stretch to say that for most grown women, their relationships with their mothers-in-law are a constant source of stress and anxiety, not to mention work. Please know that my MIL came to me with the name "Bossy Becky", and coined herself Grandma BB. Also understand that her form of bossing is kind of funny, never insulting and always well-meaning. I never got to meet BB's mom, she was very sick when The Husband and I first started dating and my first real introduction to his family was at her funeral. But, I know that she will say that she is the woman and mother that she is because her mother was amazing. So, a shout-out goes here to Maxine for shaping BB into a woman that I admire and strive to emulate. If I could be as cheerful, unaffected and genuinely loving as you, BB, I will consider myself a success as a mother. Thank you for being such an incredible friend to me and grandma to the kids. And thank you for making me laugh. Because you are really funny (but not as funny as I am, at least not intentionally).
Number Four: My friend APB, whom I'm not sure wants to be called out, and whom I am certain will not expect this. My dear friend, you do not give yourself nearly enough credit or your fortitude, your patience, your intelligence or the depth of your love for your children. Every time I speak to you I am reminded that a mother's love is the greatest gift you can give your child...well, second maybe to having a sense of humor in parenting. You have made me laugh through my tears on more occasions than I can count....and not just in my own life, but in yours, and in the lives of others. I am humbled to be a friend that you trust and confide in and I have immeasurable respect for your honesty and your resiliance as a mother. Keep laughing, my friend. Your smile lights up the world as a whole and without question it illuminates the universe for your children. I know that yours is a friendship I will treasure all the days of my life.
Number Three: My mother. I have to say thank you for the very basics of motherhood I learned from you. Every mother and daughter has sticky periods and Lord knows we had ours. I am grateful for my siblings, and you've taught me that even if life doesn't turn out exactly like you'd planned...it turns out exactly how it is supposed to. I am especially grateful that you love me enough to never give up on me. On our most recent visit you very eloqently told me that my memories aren't your memories and that was such an honest, true sentiment that I have to call it out here. Because we will always have different perceptions of history, I am glad that you will be a part of my childrens' lives so that they can learn your history and be impacted by your love.
Number Two: My friend Kris (KDS), who shared with me her selfless parenting, her kind friendship and her family. At times, we were like sisters, raising our kids on the same street while our husbands ran around the world. I cannot thank you enough for telling me I am crazy when I need to be told, for standing by me when I needed a friend, for being like an aunt to my children and for laughing with me through the craziness that was life as a Swiss Local (expat). From you I learned that it is truly okay to put your own family first and to have unwavering confidence in my parenting choices. Your love and kindness as a person is evident in the amazing children you are raising. I will be forever a different a better person (and MOM!!) because you've been my friend. Thank you!!!
And lastly, Number One: My "second" mom, Mary. Upon reflection, I have had many moments when I realized that I could not have done what she did. Mary was my stepmom. She came into my life when I was just a little kid, around Drama's age. She didn't pause or hesitate for a moment at the task of shared-parenting my brother and I, despite the fact that she was only 25 years old when she married my father. When she and my father dissolved their marriage, she didn't cut ties with us. In fact, she continued her role in my life with commitment that taught me more about mothering than almost anything else I have experienced. There were times in my life when her tough-love was exactly what I needed and her verbal kicks in the ass were what got me back on track. I think the term "it takes a village" is apt here, because I know I would not be who I am or where I am today without the influence of Mary. I am reminded in my life now, with friends taking on stepparenting roles, that Mary is an exception to the rule. She truly loves us like we are her own children, and in turn, we love her . Our relationship is part mother-daughter, part sisterly, part friendship....but it is genuine and it sustains us. So, today, please know that you are in my thoughts and I am grateful for you in my life and the lives of my children. Despite the fact that neither of us will ever forget Mother's Day 1983 when we all failed to recognise you. I hope that you know how you have changed my life.
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Lastly, I want to say thanks specifically to a few friends for being part of my life...you'd all be in the top 10 except, well...Amy Chua is a nutbag...and you KNOW I love me a nutbag. Erma Bombeck is a genius and I have to acknowledge two "moms" in my life. So, GVL, JSE and AHS..please know that you are acknowledged, know I am thinking of you all today and wishing you and your incredibly lucky children a Happy Mother's Day. xxoo
Thank you, Sweetie - it is MY life that would not be as rich (and you know my definition of this word) without you in it. Hope your Mother's Day was as special as you. You are an amazing Mom!!! I love you!!!
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