The Plague

Bad News.

I'm Dying.

No, seriously.  I have just received my diagnosis...and according to WebMD, it's not good.  My prognosis, accordingly, is also very poor.

I was kidding earlier when I said I had TB (at least 18 times).  But when I entered all of my symptoms into WebMD, the "Doctor" told me that I have one of the following:

• Tuberculosis (no lie)
• Whooping Cough
• Mononucleosis
• Pneumonia
• Common Cold

Um.  Listen.  I've had a lot of colds in my lifetime.  Conservatively, I'd say I've had no fewer than one per year over my thirty-mumblemumble years.  Colds last about 10-14 days whether you take medication or not and let's face it...a Z-Pack is not magic and if you think it is, eventually when you NEED it, it won't work for you anymore.  You just really have to get some good sleep, drink your weight in water, juice and other non-caffeinated and non-alcoholic beverages (no fun!), and let it run it's course.  I'm pushing week 4 of this and this is round two.  Poor Trouble had a rumbling smokers cough for 4 weeks, and the drainage ultimately settled into her ears and she wound up with an ear infection.  I hate antibiotics as a general rule, but man...day two on antibiotics for her and after 6 weeks of what I really would have sworn was the Bubonic Plague, my little one is back to her perky, cheerful self.

I don't have a real fever...but I sound like a 3-pack a day smoker....and I cannot shake it.  Those of you that know our family well might think the Smoker's Cough is either ironic or Bad Karma...but I'm not laughing anymore.

Considering, that this is obviously not a Common Cold, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.  I found a list of old diseases and I'm actually now 100% convinced that I have Apoplexy.  Or Consumption.  Or Dropsy.  I actually laughed out loud at that one, because for a really klutzy girl like me...it would only be fitting for me to die of Dropsy.  Seriously, though.  I think I have the plague.

My real physical doctor has told me that I just have a virus.  No bird flu, no swine flu, nothing treatable.  She also told me that I'm not recovering because I have an acute respiratory ailment.  Made worse by the horrifically polluted air here in Hong Kong.  I told her it seemed to go from bad to worse when we went to Australia.  Her answer?  My body was trying to "Cough the Hong Kong out".  Yowza. 

So, now on top of all the other things I worry about messing my kids up with (for starters, I'm their mom!!), I have to add to that the fact that we moved them to Hong Kong by choice.  And my tiny little Trouble battles cold after cold, flu after flu, eczema, allergies and hives.  So, I'm thinking I'd rather have the Plague.  

When I told Circus Dad the sad news, I also told him that he'd better wait until the kids are grown before he marries again  (How's that for Drama??  Now you know where Miss Drama gets it), and that they'll all be so sad and miss me so much when I'm gone.  He told me I'd better "Suck it Up" and get well because both Elizabeth Hurley and Eva Longoria are single at the moment.  

So, I'll go ahead and make my way upstairs, pausing to hack up both lungs about 10 times during the 4-flight climb to my bedroom, and put on my most pathetic poor me face.  I figure at the very least, I can get him to take out the dog tomorrow morning, or get up with Trouble at 5am.  If not?  I'm going to use his toothbrush.